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A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


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At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But... if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak -- don't wait any longer."


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Did you hear about the animator who died?

He couldn't draw his breath.


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A ventriloquist had traveled to the South and was performing a comedy routine when an audience member suddenly stood up.

"Hey!" he yelles, "you've been making cracks all night about how stupid we Southerners are, and I'm sick of it!"

"Relax," the ventriloquist replied.

"They're just jokes."

"I'm not talking to you," the man shot back. "I'm talking to the loudmouth on your knee!"


P.S. (sorry to all the Southerners out there, but you got to admit, it was funny.)


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Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt! "Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Scherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.


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A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great. They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get married. On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep. On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep. On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."


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As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."


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Einstein's Speech

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."


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The Clever Engineers

Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers buy their three tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" says one Manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train and the Managers take their seats and watch as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Managers see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one Manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the Managers stall, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".


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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.


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These nuns are painting the inside of their convent. they are afraid that they might get paint all over their clothes. So they strip down and continue painting the convent A little while later, the nuns hear a knock on the door. The nuns are in a panic, and dont know what to do. One nun goes to the door "Who is it" said the nun "the blind man" replied the person outside So the nuns are thinking, it would be ok to let him in. The nuns decide to open the door and the man enters "Nice breasts, where do you want your blinds?"


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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"


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While driving across town one day, an old Doobie Brothers tune, "China Grove", came on the radio. I cranked the volume up and jammed with the song while my kids in the back seat looked on with smiles and wonder. When the song finished, my 8 year old Tommy asked me who that was. I said, "Tommy, that was music your Mom and I grew up on - they're called the Doobie Brothers." He responded with the typical, "Oh, cool." and then after a brief pause he asked "So are they dead yet?"


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Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."


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The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said. An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior. So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."


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These 2 nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ? S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants. S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us. S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ? S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster. S.M. : It is not working. S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster. S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute. S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened? S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me. S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us. S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. S.M. : So what happened ? S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. S.M. : And what else ? S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ? S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up. S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do? S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ? S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down


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One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a buisness there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man. "Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back you $%^@$!" While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him: Guy1, "Look at this guy he is pissed!" Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."


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A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue and collapsed."


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Little seven-year-old Joey asked his daddy one day, "Where'd I come from?" His daddy knew this question would be coming someday and was prepared. He gave Joey all the facts about mommies and daddies making babies. He told it very carefully and honestly, so Joey would understand, but Joey just frowned in puzzlement. Finally, his daddy asked, "Joey, what are you so puzzled about?" Joey said,"That's sure strange...Billy said he came from Nebraska!!"


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Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........


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A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"


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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"


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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "


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Another reader sends: Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation--the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost-- water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting ``dry ice'' as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word ``burrito.'' It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.


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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."


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"Superman" is the true story about Muhammand Ali. Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." She responded, "Superman don't need no *plane*."


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The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $500,000 and the woman's brain is $30,000." The patient could not help but ask: "Why such a large difference between the male's and the female's brain?" The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."


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After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in "KY"), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The KY Boy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Tennessee to get a second opinion. The Tennessee physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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